If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
