I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
