Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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