Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
