Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
we're making bets on your personal life
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Randomize