new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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