Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
