don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
