True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
