Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
