I'm eating all of the evidence.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
