Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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