I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
