They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
