if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
