He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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