She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Did I show you my penis last night?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
