can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
