who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize