i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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