I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
