I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
