We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
