mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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