I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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