sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize