so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
