Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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