somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it was like eating out sand paper
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
