Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You may now shotgun with the bride
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
