I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
