i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
