I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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