i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
