when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
