all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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