Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
