Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
