he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
