The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
