You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
