i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
