I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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