i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
