My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
