I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The ass gains better be worth it
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