Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
