I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
