just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
At least life still wants to fuck me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
