I'm gonna have a badass scar
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
